decided to begin making a new site. wanted something more representative of who i am now. gonna go through with deleting all social media and kinda ridding myself of it. so for now, i'll be going through the process of updating everything. a couple of things i wanna do create a comment box for my random thoughts and shit. don't worry, i'll be keeping the old games up there in addition to some new stuff.
btw, made all the music here myself :3
springbreak is coming and i'll be at my girlfriend's place for a week. pretty excited, her family really likes me. but before that, i have to focus on today, like my therapy appointment, chinese homework and more screenwriting for my classes. i've been having a rough time recently, talking to my dad about moving out of college housing. however, he thinks it's a good idea and so i'll be trying to move out and get an apartment with my gf. it's kinda stressful thinking about, especially when apply for internships and pitching shows places. but, i think it'll all work out in the end. in the meantime though, once my homework for the break is over, i'll be updating this website more and more. have a lot of ideas, so i think writing out the code on paper would help. i'll make a link to share that once it's operational.
well, good news. apartment is a go, and will be getting one with my gf. bad news, my parents still don't know i live with her now or have lived with her before. feel like i'm going to hear a lot of sexist comments and stuff about how i'm irresponsible, but it's okay. anyways, been in MA for about 5 days now, which is cool. it's been really nice hanging out with her and her family. also have been doing a lot of editing work and writing for my other courses. even with all that though, i feel pretty good here. i just wish i wasn't bothered so much by job calling me last minute for editing.
i'm getting this feeling that i'm too clingy with her and it'll eventually cause a rift. i'm just really afraid of screwing up or doing something totally stupid. i don't want time apart, but i do want to actively create more space for her to do her thing without me wanting to tag along or help. overall though, i think i've been a good partner. just feel like i could do a way better job of staying out of her way when she needs it.
yknow, i thought graduating from college and living with my girlfriend for two years would make me feel complete. and yet, all the pieces in my rubix cube haven't clicked yet. it feels like i've done so much yet also nothing at all and living with my mom is back to square one again. like sure, it's great that i dont have to pay rent and only pay for the internet bill, but i need to leave. this town wasn't meant for me, despite growing up in it. it's stagnant, like a pond where mosquitoes mate, lay eggs and suck the life of everything around them. suburbia was never meant to exist.
on the bright side, sorta. im working and making new friends. meeting new people always has me excited and energized.
going to one of the top universities in your field feels good, right? the admiration by others solely on getting in when there was a slim chance really felt cool. at least during the moment. meeting some cool people and having connections in high places felt good. yet, here i am. paying it all off isn't gonna be easy. it won't even be feasible in my eyes. 4k a month isn't doable by any standard, but now it's down to 1.5k which is still a large amount. not easy by any means.
so working with family to figure out some ways to make some more cash to really make it easier on ourselves. yet, i keep thinking about how this isn't the fault of anyone but my own for going to an institution that is notoriously expensive. thinking that i'd be different. thinking that i'd have a great job right out the gate. but, i guess not.
it almost feels like i'm living in a dream most of the time. i'm hyper-aware and cognizant of the role that capitalism/western hegemony/white supremacy plays into why my student loans are insanely high. yet, most days don't feel like the loans are there at all. it's like a monster in a horror movie. they're silent and get you when you're the most vulnerable or at the very least not expecting it. it sucks. but the holidays are right around the corner.
my mom has been asking me to take my cousin out for his 21st birthday recently. i'm only older by a year or two. i love her, but i really can't stand when people try to force the idea of family upon me. blood bonds have never meant much to me. being bonded in that way has always felt like an obligation and not a privilege. the whole idea is that you're not allowed to pick and chose, but it's during these moments that the people i didn't pick, often have caused me the most harm. it sucks, really. i envy the people who are able to build upon those relationships. being able to love the people they were born into. i still can't find it in myself to let my guard down around them.
we're gonna get stupid drunk. i usually do. either at a bar, a friend's place or home. it's less about the taste of the alcohol, but more about numbing myself to the world around me. trying to prevent myself from feeling anything, even for the briefest of moments. my friends and family probably drink more than me, i just do it alone. which no one is really too happy with. i'm just ready for the holidays to end so i can get back to teaching and work. it's kinda insufferable here.
so far, this year has been pretty bad. got a new job at some point, but it was brutal and just uncomfortable. i think i managed to perform bad so i could leave. which i'm actually happy for. however, now i'm out of a 3rd job. something stable and pays well. it's kinda depressing how awful this search is going. a lot of doom scrolling reddit n tumblr n youtube n whatever social media site there is to see other people suffering and having job issues. it's a strange catharsis, seeing other people suffer and knowing you're not alone. like this experience isn't a failure on my part. the doomscrolling hasn't been helping much, but it's all i can really do without thinking about what i could be doing if i had the funds. it just... sucks? a lot? especially since i have so many friends who want to hangout and spend time with me and just knowing that i really can't afford to spend time with them.went to two interviews recently and didn't hear anything back from anyone so far. which is infuriating. someone who's unaffected and apathetic would say "it is what it is" and my response to that is, "it is what it is, and what it is sucks". i'm tired of having to pretend that everything is going to be okay. i know having hope is hard and hope is revolutionary, but it's difficult to have that when external pressures become stronger. i even feel pathetic for not coming to a student encampment when my friend asked me. i think it's easier to be present when you know you won't be as brutalized as others, but being black kinda makes me far more vigilant of what activist groups i'm a part of.i did show up anyways. however, by the time i came, students were being directed to throw out their tents because the univeristy reached a deal. on top of being fined for trespassing if they were there. something about that made me angry, despite my inaction. like, why are you actively working with the institution that didn't have any second thoughts on brutalizing you and your peers? granted i didn't go to this college and only know people there because i happen to be outside and like to talk n talk n talk. i don't know. i want to say it's complicated, but that feels like an excuse. as if i'm trying to give myself reasons for not being present. having to double triple guess my brain like this is awful. i guess things are allowed to be both simple and complex. drawing binaries is shitty. life is more intricate than 1s n 0s, blacks n whites. i guess that's something i've been thinking a lot about recently too. i feel like the internet atomizes people into believing the world around them is only colored by extremes. this process where we often have to draw lines and boundaries, not in a self-perserving way but often in a pretenious morality way. like, these binaries are for the sake of pleasuring one's ego. morality isn't good or bad. it just is a thing people invented to explain the shitty actions of others. rather than explaining the shitty actions of others as an environmental factor. like, shitty people aren't just birthed. they are created from cycles of shitty things happening. people commit shitty actions because of the systems that have been created and the contradictions they have birthed. it's kinda like how terfs try to explain their ideology. it's often because of a system of misogyny is in place and using that to demean other woman and revoke their womenhood in order to perserve their status. this gives birth to the contradictions they have on gender and feminism, which isn't about bio-essentialism at all, but gender equity. i'm rambling. anyways. i'll talk to you all later. i'm tired and need to finish my lesson plans for the class i'm teaching.