decided to begin making a new site. wanted something more representative of who i am now. gonna go through with deleting all social media and kinda ridding myself of it. so for now, i'll be going through the process of updating everything. a couple of things i wanna do create a comment box for my random thoughts and shit. don't worry, i'll be keeping the old games up there in addition to some new stuff.
btw, made all the music here myself :3
springbreak is coming and i'll be at my girlfriend's place for a week. pretty excited, her family really likes me. but before that, i have to focus on today, like my therapy appointment, chinese homework and more screenwriting for my classes. i've been having a rough time recently, talking to my dad about moving out of college housing. however, he thinks it's a good idea and so i'll be trying to move out and get an apartment with my gf. it's kinda stressful thinking about, especially when apply for internships and pitching shows places. but, i think it'll all work out in the end. in the meantime though, once my homework for the break is over, i'll be updating this website more and more. have a lot of ideas, so i think writing out the code on paper would help. i'll make a link to share that once it's operational.
well, good news. apartment is a go, and will be getting one with my gf. bad news, my parents still don't know i live with her now or have lived with her before. feel like i'm going to hear a lot of sexist comments and stuff about how i'm irresponsible, but it's okay. anyways, been in MA for about 5 days now, which is cool. it's been really nice hanging out with her and her family. also have been doing a lot of editing work and writing for my other courses. even with all that though, i feel pretty good here. i just wish i wasn't bothered so much by job calling me last minute for editing.
i'm getting this feeling that i'm too clingy with her and it'll eventually cause a rift. i'm just really afraid of screwing up or doing something totally stupid. i don't want time apart, but i do want to actively create more space for her to do her thing without me wanting to tag along or help. overall though, i think i've been a good partner. just feel like i could do a way better job of staying out of her way when she needs it.
yknow, i thought graduating from college and living with my girlfriend for two years would make me feel complete. and yet, all the pieces in my rubix cube haven't clicked yet. it feels like i've done so much yet also nothing at all and living with my mom is back to square one again. like sure, it's great that i dont have to pay rent and only pay for the internet bill, but i need to leave. this town wasn't meant for me, despite growing up in it. it's stagnant, like a pond where mosquitoes mate, lay eggs and suck the life of everything around them. suburbia was never meant to exist.
on the bright side, sorta. im working and making new friends. meeting new people always has me excited and energized.
going to one of the top universities in your field feels good, right? the admiration by others solely on getting in when there was a slim chance really felt cool. at least during the moment. meeting some cool people and having connections in high places felt good. yet, here i am. paying it all off isn't gonna be easy. it won't even be feasible in my eyes. 4k a month isn't doable by any standard, but now it's down to 1.5k which is still a large amount. not easy by any means.
so working with family to figure out some ways to make some more cash to really make it easier on ourselves. yet, i keep thinking about how this isn't the fault of anyone but my own for going to an institution that is notoriously expensive. thinking that i'd be different. thinking that i'd have a great job right out the gate. but, i guess not.
it almost feels like i'm living in a dream most of the time. i'm hyper-aware and cognizant of the role that capitalism/western hegemony/white supremacy plays into why my student loans are insanely high. yet, most days don't feel like the loans are there at all. it's like a monster in a horror movie. they're silent and get you when you're the most vulnerable or at the very least not expecting it. it sucks. but the holidays are right around the corner.
my mom has been asking me to take my cousin out for his 21st birthday recently. i'm only older by a year or two. i love her, but i really can't stand when people try to force the idea of family upon me. blood bonds have never meant much to me. being bonded in that way has always felt like an obligation and not a privilege. the whole idea is that you're not allowed to pick and chose, but it's during these moments that the people i didn't pick, often have caused me the most harm. it sucks, really. i envy the people who are able to build upon those relationships. being able to love the people they were born into. i still can't find it in myself to let my guard down around them.
we're gonna get stupid drunk. i usually do. either at a bar, a friend's place or home. it's less about the taste of the alcohol, but more about numbing myself to the world around me. trying to prevent myself from feeling anything, even for the briefest of moments. my friends and family probably drink more than me, i just do it alone. which no one is really too happy with. i'm just ready for the holidays to end so i can get back to teaching and work. it's kinda insufferable here.